| |
Last week we talked about the lure of money and
we saw how money is such a great temptation for us
because of the way the love of money is promoted by our
culture. Well, if that's the case, then perhaps even more
so is the temptation to misuse our sexuality. Sex is
power in today's world. Sex is used to sell everything
from cars to washing machines. Sex is enjoyable and we
all want enjoyment in life, so sexuality is promoted as
necessary for a fulfilled life. But the trouble is, sex
is both misunderstood and distorted so that we're easily
confused about what's right and what's not and those
promoting it are usually doing it from an amoral and
basically self-centred position. |
| |
What I'd like to do today is to suggest a number
of areas where our understanding of the place of sex has
been distorted and then to give some biblical
perspectives on sex and how we should deal with it. |
| |
Distortion 1: Sex is a male issue. |
| |
It seems to me that there has been, in the past
at least, an idea that sexuality is a particularly male
issue. Men have been seen as the ones who have the strong
sex drive and a woman's role, in marriage at least, is to
help to meet his needs for sexual satisfaction. Now that
misunderstanding is being addressed to some extent in the
popular media. Shows like 'Sex in the City' portray
women's interest in sex in a fairly explicit way, but I
wonder whether in Christian circles the myth isn't still
alive and well. The fact that we don't talk about sex in
public much doesn't help, does it? I wonder how often
women discuss sexual feelings when they meet in women's
groups of various types. My guess is not very often. Not
that men discuss such things much either I might add. |
| |
If you want some evidence that sex is as much a
female issue as it is a male issue, think about the
popularity of Mills and Boon potboilers. Women buy these
by the hundreds, not for their literary value, but
because they provide a safe outlet for their sexuality.
They allow their readers to enter a fantasy world where
love and romance, intimacy and physical pleasure, can be
found without any pain or difficulty. Or think about the
number of chick flicks that appear on the movie screens
or on video. All providing vicarious enjoyment of just
one thing - sex. Oh, it's clothed in words like romance
and passion, but in the end it's just sex. So let's be
clear that sex is an issue for all of us. |
| |
Related to this is the idea that only men
experience lust. Well, I can't speak personally, but I'm
told by people who know, that women also experience lust.
It's part of our human sexual makeup, I guess, that we're
naturally attracted to those of the opposite sex. But
there's been some sort of denial of this over the years,
possibly because the people doing the research and
writing the books have all been males who saw the world
from a male perspective. But the result of that denial is
that women have felt guilty, even felt perverted when
they experienced strong feelings of attraction for a man.
And sometimes they even carry those feelings of guilt
into their marriage. It's only in recent years that women
have begun to talk openly about their feeling of sexual
attraction for men. Again, in the church though, I fear
that there's still a perception that Christian women
shouldn't be carried away by feeling of sexual attraction
to men. That's related to: |
| |
Distortion 2: Sex is bad. |
| |
Ever since the fall, human beings have had a
problem with sex. What was meant to be a pure expression
of the love between a man and a woman has been distorted
and misused. But that's led some to go too far the other
way. To condemn all sexual feelings as sinful. To mistake
sexual attraction for uncontrolled lust. The shame that
Adam and Eve felt in the garden because they were naked
has been taken further to equate all sexual expression
with shamefulness. You see, the devil loves to distort
the good things God has given us and twist them into
temptations that will destroy us. And if he can get us to
see those good things as essentially bad, then he's won a
great victory. So the answer is to be clear about what is
wrong in the sexual area, but also to delight in what's
good about it. |
| |
So why has sex been seen as bad? Well, some
people suggest it goes back to the Church fathers, like
St Augustine who wrote about "the shame which
attends all sexual intercourse." They suggest that
his teaching about sexuality came out of a reaction to
his own promiscuity before he became a Christian. He had
trouble distinguishing between intimacy and the wild
lustful passions of his youth. Well, whether that was
true or not, plenty of people have taken up his ideas,
and taught that sex is evil. Now we need to say here that
this sort of thinking comes more out of a Greek dualist
frame of thought, where the physical or material world is
the realm of sin and evil, and the spiritual realm is the
place where God is. But that has little to do with the
world view of the Bible, as we'll see in a little while. |
| |
If you're a woman, this is particularly a
problem, when you think about the images that we've been
presented with of ideal womanhood. Who is the person who
has been presented to women down the ages as the ideal
woman? It's Mary isn't it? Blessed virgin Mary? Here is
the ideal woman. Ever a virgin, yet ever a mother.
Nurturing, loving, caring, but never stained by crude
sexuality. Untouched by the temptations that ordinary
women experience. |
| |
Of course we forget that after the birth of
Jesus she and Joseph were married and she bore a number
of other children. The reality doesn't matter. We forget
about Mary's most important attribute, her willing
acceptance of God's will, despite the social cost to her.
No the image is what matters. Women should be pure,
loving, nurturing, unstained by the world, and certainly
untouched by any desire or sexual lust for a man. Why?
Because sex is bad. |
| |
Distortion 3: You can have free sex |
| |
One of the great lies that we've been sold since
the 60's is the idea that there is such a thing as free
sex. But the truth is that free sex is like the free
lunch. There is no such thing. It's an illusion as great
as the one we saw last week, that money will make you
happy. |
| |
But here's how it works. The illusion begins
with the suggestion that enjoying sex with someone will
bring into our lives the sort of intimacy that we desire.
Now there's a subtle and seductive power in this
illusion. The physical sensations of sex are very real
and strongly suggest warmth, intimacy and deep relating.
But the trouble is that beneath the physical sensations
of casual sex, there's nothing. The paradox is this: True
intimacy and free sex are a contradiction. Free sex by
definition is temporary, anonymous, self-centred.
Otherwise it isn't free. True intimacy is the opposite.
It's committed, personal, open, other person centred. |
| |
Now don't underestimate the power of this
illusion. It's an illusion that's thrust at us at every
level. You'll hardly see a movie or watch a show on TV
these days where this illusion isn't presented to you. If
someone turns you on, then you have a responsibility to
yourself to see where a relationship with them might
lead. If the person who turns you on is of the same sex
as you, well then, you're just one of the growing
percentage of the population for whom that's normal.
Don't fight it. Just enjoy it. It's just physical after
all. And it will help you find intimacy where you might
never have found it with someone of the opposite sex.
Similarly, if your present relationship isn't working
out, don't worry, another one will turn up soon. If you
want to play around in the meantime why not? As long as
no-one finds out it'll be OK. |
| |
But it won't be OK. The misuse of sex carries
with it a price, whether in your own life or in the life
of others with whom you relate. Following a fantasy might
seem fantastic at the time, but in the end it'll fade
away and we'll realise we've been taken in by a cheap
lie. In the end we'll discover that intimacy, authentic
relationships, are only possible in the context of
responsible long-term commitment. The physical experience
of sex alone will never bring the wholeness and
integration for which we yearn. |
| |
Distortion 4: Lust is OK as long as it
doesn't go any further. |
| |
Like the man who was caught by his wife, ogling
a gorgeous young girl. His response to her complaint was
that he was just window shopping. But he had no intention
of buying. But is that OK then? Is it only when we step
over the line into a physical relationship with someone
that we're in trouble? Well, let's hear what Jesus has to
say about that question. "You have heard that it was
said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' 28But I
say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust
has already committed adultery with her in his
heart." (Mat 5:27-28 NRSV) Jesus was in no doubt
that looking was as bad as buying. The issue isn't the
act, but the lustful desire. |
| |
In fact it's interesting to think about the
process that people go through who have affairs. Rarely
does anyone intentionally set out to have an affair. More
often what happens is that the affair sneaks up on them.
Someone crosses their path with whom they seem to get on,
who perhaps they find strangely attractive. Then they
meet again. Perhaps they work together or are in the same
social group. Then they find that there's a certain
rapport, a certain empathy growing between them that they
find helpful. And slowly the relationship grows, until it
becomes more than just a friendship. Now at this stage
they haven't stepped over that line of physical intimacy,
but you can see how the line gets thinner the longer the
relationship goes on unchecked. Well, Jesus says, don't
let yourself get anywhere near that dangerous precipice.
If your eye leads you astray pluck it out. Better to get
to heaven without an eye than to be thrown in hell with
your eyes wide open. |
| |
The issue of pornography is part of this.
There's a great market out there for both soft and hard
pornography. In fact the definition of what's pornography
seems to have blurred somewhat over the years. What would
have been banned 20 or 30 years ago is now commonplace.
We hardly blink an eye as sex is portrayed on our screens
for our satisfaction. So pornography has to be more and
more sensational and hard-core to satisfy those who go
after it. And what it does is it reduces sexuality to a
mere physical experience separated from any true
intimacy. It becomes a series of 2-dimensional images
that empty it of all the richness that God intended for
it. It plays on our deepest insecurities, on our fear of
failure in personal relationships, allowing people to
follow fantasies without ever risking the failure of a
relationship and the hurt that that might cause. Or it
allows us to escape the difficulties of relating to a
real person with real needs. |
| |
What's more, it exploits and dehumanises those
who are the objects of the voyeurism involved, often
people who are powerless and open to exploitation. And it
dehumanises all of us in that it demeans and devalues the
experience of sex in its right context, in that of a
lifelong committed relationship with one other person. |
| |
A Biblical Perspective. |
| |
In the remaining time I want us to think about
some of what the Bible says about sex. |
| |
1. Made in the image of God, male &
female |
| |
In the creation account in Genesis 1 & 2 we
find a number of things that help us in thinking about
our sexuality. The first of these is in 1:26-27. (Gen
1:26-27 NRSV) "Then God said, "Let us make
humankind in our image, according to our likeness; ... 27So
God created humankind in his image, in the image of God
he created them; male and female he created them." |
| |
In some mysterious way, God mirrors his
personality in us through our sexual identity as men and
women. That is, our sexuality is deeply rooted in the
very nature of God. God didn't make us an androgynous
combination of genders. Nor did he make 3 or four
genders. Just 2. |
| |
2. Be Fruitful and multiply |
| |
Secondly he instructed the man and woman to
"Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and
subdue it." The potential for reproduction is an
important part of the creation intent. Sex was meant not
just for recreational purposes. It had a larger view in
mind that goes beyond the couple to the future of the
world. That of course has all changed with the advent of
contraceptives, making it much more possible for sex to
be solely a recreational pursuit. |
| |
3. Not good to be alone. |
| |
Gen 2 gives a different view of the creation.
There the man is created first, but God sees that it
isn't good that he's on his own. So he creates a woman to
share with him the labour of tending the garden. The
picture is of the man and the woman needing each other as
partners to share the joys and efforts of life. And we're
told: |
| |
4. The two shall be one |
| |
So although God has created 2 human beings, a
man and a woman, his intention is that they be one flesh.
There's a unity between the man and the woman in this
picture that goes beyond just the physical union of
sexual intercourse yet incorporates it. They are one
flesh in the sense that they're designed to come together
in sexual union, but their union, their intimacy is also
related to their common direction, their sharing in the
work of tending the garden. This is why the fantasy of
greater intimacy through casual sex is such an illusion.
Intimacy as God intended it comes from being joined at
all levels of our being. It has to do with us enjoying
the sort of commonality of purpose and direction that God
enjoys within the Trinity. Sexuality is a gift that God
gives us that helps to cement that commonality, to bind
us together in shared enjoyment of each other as we share
our life's direction. But it will never create that
commonality, that intimacy. |
| |
So God's intention for our sexuality was this:
that it express in some way something of the intimacy
that God experiences within the Trinity, that part of the
sexual experience is the possibility of new life being
brought into the world, that it provide a means of
companionship and mutuality in a shared and common
purpose. Sex is not bad. On the contrary, it's part of
God's design of the world. Part of what he declared to be
very good. But it can be distorted and corrupted. |
| |
It seems to me that what we find in Gen 1&2
goes counter to everything that we're fed by our culture
today about sex and sexuality. That means that it'll be
hard for us to resist the temptations that sex presents.
It'll be hard to resist the undermining of Biblical
standards with regard to sex. For example, it seems to me
that there's a conscious campaign in the media to present
homosexuality as normal, and homosexuals as an
underprivileged or oppressed minority. There is some
truth in the latter assertion. But we mustn't let our
concern for justice and our desire to support those
people, override our understanding of God's intention for
human sexual expression. We need to find a way to support
those who are homosexual without condoning homosexual
expressions of sexuality. |
| |
Similarly we need to find ways of helping those
who are single to enjoy real intimacy with others without
the need for sexual relationships. We need to offer an
alternative to the illusions that the popular culture
offers, an alternative that consists in real
relationships of mutual support and encouragement. |
| |
This is a huge subject that, again, I've only
just touched on. But its a subject that it would be good
for us to talk about with those we trust, so we can keep
a godly perspective on what's a central part of every
person's makeup. |
